In Part 1 of Parenting a Geek, we discussed the threats kids face online, how to identify those threats, and recommended a few technical solutions to keep kids safe. And while we’re all about utilizing the tools we have at our disposal, the biggest challenge is raising awareness and ultimately changing behavior. This is where effective parenting comes in.
I struggled with this next section because I feel strongly that it is not my place to tell someone else how to parent. All I can do is explain what I have done so far and what seems to be working for me. I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject and, like all parents, I learn as I go. But maybe what works for me will work for you. So, without further ado, I give you Parenting a Geek 1.0:
Start early.
The earlier you start, the easier it will be to mold your child’s behavior. It’s not uncommon for one-year-old children to use tablets or phones, so setting expectations early creates a situation your child sees as normal.
Start small.
Again, you can create normal. Is it normal for the entire web to be only Disney.com? It could be. Is it normal to not allow internet access at all? Sure. Normal is what you define it to be. There was a time when my kid only knew about Nick Jr and she was happy as a clam. Later, when she learned about Minecraft, I let her play it with a few conditions. She didn’t have chat privileges at first, was only allowed to play with the boy down the street, and I configured it for “peaceful” mode. As she matured, she earned more features.
Be involved.
Probably the one thing that has been the most effective for me is simply to be involved in her activity. I ask her what she’s doing. She shows me the new Minecraft skins she created and I praise her for her creativity. In turn, she keeps coming to me with questions about her computer use. She trusts me to steer her the right way and seeks my approval. I use this trust to teach her that people online sometimes lie and that she should never disclose her real name, age or location. I teach her about good passwords and the importance of not sharing them.
Trust, but verify.
No child is a perfect angel all of the time. As they grow up, they will test boundaries and explore. I allow my daughter a lot of latitude these days, but only because she has demonstrated responsible computer use. That doesn’t mean I don’t check up on things. I do have logs of her activity and I do check them. Parental control software—even if it is in monitor only mode—can help a lot here. However, if you tighten the bolts too much, you may find that your child learns how to bypass the filters. Then it becomes a cat-and-mouse game, the likes of which you may not win.
Reward positive behavior.
Children seek approval and want to feel that they can come to you with concerns. When my daughter showed me that chat request, I made a point to praise her and share her positive actions with her mom. An emotional reward often works just fine. Would an ice cream sandwich work better? I’m not sure. But I do know that she seeks that praise and I use that to my advantage.
Technology is a privilege, not a right.
School and grades come first, technology second. That’s the rule in our household. If there is a problem in school, she loses computer privileges. It’s that simple.
Make it visible.
We have another rule: no technology in the bedroom. This serves two purposes. One: she will hang out where we are, so we can see what’s going on. Two: it ensures that she is able to get a good night’s sleep, unencumbered by bright screens and enticing games. When you are in the same room you can observe how they behave when you walk by. Do screens get minimized? That may be cause for concern.
Every child is different. What works for me, might not work for you. What have you found to be useful? Chime in below!
Michael Starks
Latest posts by Michael Starks (see all)
- Parenting A Geek Part 2: Changing Behavior - February 9, 2017
- Parenting a Geek Part 1: Identifying Online Threats - February 2, 2017
Good article. If I could add a thought it would be that at least in the upper grades (middle school and high school) it gets more difficult to enforce “school and grades come first, then technology” since it all gets intertwined so much. For example, long ago if a punishment was in order, we used to take away their phones for a while. Today however apps are used to receive grades from teachers, tweets are sent by coaches telling everyone practice time has changed, school books are all online, and even exercises in class involve mobile technology. Seems like taking a phone away is pretty difficult if you still want your child to function at all in school.
Great point, Dan. That’s something I haven’t had to deal with yet. This has to be a tough one, especially since so many of the social and leisure activities are now tied into technology.